Waving Through a Window

Kaitlin Hall
Feb 11, 2019
14 min read

Updated: Mar 24, 2019

"[Christ] sees all of us with infinite worth, and whatever our condition at the moment may be, the body of Christ [the church] is there to sustain each member." -Elder D. Todd Christofferson

Sundays are hard, at least for me. I love them, but I often come home after church and find myself feeling down.

I remember my first Sunday back after I returned home early from my mission. I was absolutely terrified to go to church. An overwhelming sense of failure engulfed me. What would people think? Worse yet, what would they say? I wasn't supposed to be home. I was supposed to be in Salem, Oregon. No one knew I was back except for a handful of people, including my best friend and family. I remember being so nervous that my whole body was shaking badly, despite it being warm for November.

That Sunday, there were stares, whispers, and a loooot of comments resembling, "Well you're home early!" and "Has it been 18 months already?!" There were all the questions I was dreading being asked and more. The first time someone asked me when I was going back out on my mission, I froze. This was one question I hadn't anticipated as much. Go back? What did they mean? I had just come home and I was at the lowest emotional and mental point I'd ever been at in my life. I may have looked fine, but my mind felt broken beyond repair. Overwhelming anxiety and depression had forced me off my mission, resulting in my early return. How could I possibly begin to think about if or when I would return to full-time missionary service?

As it turned out, I never did go back. It wasn't what God had planned for me. I've now been home a year and a half.

Since my return in 2016, church can sometimes leave me feeling inadequate, small, and like a misfit. For me, it's not the gospel, or the things that are taught; it's the comparisons we put ourselves through with others. I can often come home after the three hour block feeling very emotional, missing Oregon, and carrying a sense that I am somehow less important than other RM's. I know that church is difficult for lots of other people for various reasons. Maybe you never went on a mission, and you too feel inadequate when you measure yourself compared to those who did. Maybe you served your full mission yet you wonder if it was enough, if you are enough, or if you can adjust to life and be successful. Maybe you experience intense anxiety at church or even panic attacks that have nothing to do with missions. I've heard quite a few reasons of why church can be difficult, and I think it's something to talk about. Here's some of my feelings, spilled out on a page.

Waving Through a Window

Have you ever felt different in a bad way? Like you don't really belong somewhere, and you don't feel understood or comfortable the way you are? It's as if you were watching everyone else around you through a pane of glass, observing them be happy and successful, but you personally are an outsider. It seems no one notices you on the other side of the glass, or perhaps they can't understand what it's like on your side. Lately I've been listening to a song called "Waving Through a Window" (click on the name to listen!) from the musical "Dear Evan Hansen". I can't seem to get the lyrics out of my head. This song puts perfectly into words how being on the outside can feel. Here is the chorus:

On the outside, always looking in Will I ever be more than I've always been? 'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window I try to speak, but nobody can hear So I wait around for an answer to appear While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass I'm waving through a window Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?

I don't think there's a single person on earth who hasn't felt this way. We as humans want to belong. It can be extremely painful to feel like we don't. Isolation and loneliness can have serious repercussions. Some recent studies suggest that loneliness can increase a person's chance of dying by 40%! Wouldn't that be a nice topic to bring up at the next party you go to?

Being an Early Returned Missionary (ERM) can definitely feel like waving through a window, especially at church. In Young Single Adult (YSA) wards, so many people raise their hands to comment and begin with, "On my mission...". There is always someone waiting for a mission call, planning their farewell, or about to return home from the field. It feels like there's a new Returned Missionary (RM) every month. You can't escape hearing about missions in our church. It became a huge source of pain in my life as I looked around and felt like a complete failure. All of the sudden, I was home way before any of the other sisters my age, or even the elders. My mission experience looked totally different than the other RM's I met. I felt like an outcast, like I was watching the others be happy through a wall made of glass.

As the months passed and Satan worked on my confidence, I began to stop sharing as much in church. I had always been the person who raised their hand in Sunday School and Relief Society, but I pulled my shame around me like a blanket and retreated into further isolation. It seemed to me that my limited experiences in 5 months of service were worthless compared to the freshly returned elders with two years of mission memories brimming in their hearts, or the seemingly perfect sisters who talked fondly of their time spent as Sister Training Leaders (STL's). In one verse of "Waving Through a Window" the main character, Evan, sings:

Give them no reason to stare No slipping up if you slip away So I got nothing to share No, I got nothing to say

That was how I felt. When you come home early, this can be a common feeling. If our mission experience was different than the norm, then we must have nothing to say, or so too many ERM's believe. What's more tragic is that not only do they stop talking at church, but about 1/3 of all missionaries who come home early stop attending church, period.

I became scared that people would ask too many questions, like how many areas I served in, how many companions I had, the different cities in Oregon I had lived in, etc. How could I tell them I had only served in one area, and only ever had one companion (my trainer) in the field? I was called to speak Spanish on my mission in Oregon, and though I knew some Spanish before, my skills were seriously lacking compared to someone who lived in a Spanish speaking country for 2 years. So I didn't mention that I had learned Spanish on my mission. When someone asked where I served, I began to simply reply with "Oregon". I didn't even mention Salem. If they didn't know which mission in Oregon, they couldn't ask me if I knew so-and-so, and I wouldn't have to say that I didn't because I was only in one area for three and a half months (I was in the MTC for 6 weeks). I never wanted people to ask how long I had been home, and then ask when I graduated high school or how old I was, because all too often I had seen the puzzled look on their faces followed by questions like, "How does that work...? You've been home for 4 months but you're only 19?" Do you see how Satan so effectively uses our fears to shut us down? I started hiding: hiding my mission, my story, my true self, and even my testimony. No slipping up if you slip away, right?

WRONG.

That is a LIE from the adversary, and I invite you to take a stand with me against believing that you or your story don't matter. Because you most definitely do!

You Are Braver Than You Thought

Satan uses shame and fear to keep us down, and to shut us up. He knows that if we slip away, we lose the strength and light of both the Spirit in our lives as well as the unity that is a key feature of Christ's true church. Don't believe that slipping away is better! Open your mouth and your heart and be BRAVE. I promise it will change your life. It changed mine forever.

Here are just 3 reasons, among many more, of why you can and should OWN your story. I hope they will inspire you and remind you that "you are braver than you thought", and worth an infinite amount to our Heavenly Father and Savior:

1. Your Place With Christ:

The church has recently released a video series (link at bottom of page) featuring church leaders talking about our responsibility to be kind to all people in the church, regardless of differences. It's essentially all about charity, and I LOVE it. In one of the videos called "Is There a Place for me?", Elder D. Todd Christofferson says, "This person sitting next to me ignoring me or even wanting to move away … doesn’t change the reality of what Christ feels toward me and the possibilities I have in Christ. … Every individual needs to be determined that they’re going to have a place in the kingdom of God [and in] the body of Christ, and others who are thoughtless or careless or worse can’t prohibit that."

Our Savior Jesus Christ knows and understands each and every one of us. This is a gospel truth (see Alma 7:11-12). He loves us in a personal, individual way, not as one big mass of humanity. He is familiar with our lives, from before we were born and on into the eternities. He knows our personalities: our thoughts, feelings, strengths and weaknesses, and His love is perfect, no matter what we do or don't do. It never ends; it knows no limits.

I want to testify to anyone reading this that YOU have a place with Christ. He wants you to be near to Him and to worship Him at church, regardless of how welcoming (or not) anyone else is. He always invites and stands ready to receive you. No one can change the way He feels about you. To Him you are precious. Elder Christofferson continues: "When a person feels isolated, I don't deny the reality of the feeling and why it's so natural to feel that way. But each of us, whenever that sense may come upon us, need to stop and think, 'Jesus Christ died for me. Jesus Christ thought me worthy of His blood. And He loves me. He has hopes for me, and He can make a difference in my life. His grace can transform me.'"

Even if you feel out of place or alone at church, don't let that stop you from going. Remember the real reason we go. True, having friends is nice, and it makes church that much more enjoyable. But the main reason for why we as Christians attend church is to worship Christ. I love what Elder Christofferson exhorts us to do: determine that you will take your place with Christ and trust that He welcomes you, regardless of what anyone else does.

2. People Aren't Perfect:

Ever heard the saying, "The church is perfect, the people aren't"? As cliche as it can sound, it actually is true. We are all imperfect people trying to live a perfect gospel, and sometimes we make mistakes that hurt others more than we know. But something that I've learned in the past 18 months of being home is that people are rarely intentionally malicious. I had to accept that people usually aren't unkind on purpose. A lot of it just stems from ignorance. When people haven't personally experienced coming home early from a mission, they oftentimes just don't know what to say to an ERM. Sometimes this results in avoiding the person. Sometimes it means awkward conversations or questions/comments that seem hurtful. But think of it this way: if one of your friends got diagnosed with a disease that you knew very little about, you probably wouldn't know how to act, would you? You would naturally want to ask questions to better understand, and to see if they wanted to talk about it. You might be hesitant and feel unsure of what to say the first time you saw them after hearing the news. You would want to help, but maybe you wouldn't know how because you had no personal context for this particular trial. So it goes with ERM's. Most people have good intentions. They are probably a little shocked to see you, but they're more concerned for you and only want to see how you're doing. Unfortunately, it can come across wrong. I'm not saying that coming home early is similar to a terrible disease, but it can be foreign to the people around you in the same way. Even if people are downright rude and it seems to be on purpose, I would encourage you to try to forgive. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt and remember that you don't know their whole story, either. Maybe they've had negative experiences in their life that you know nothing about and they're just reacting out of hurt or inexperience. I have adopted the belief that we all are just doing the best we can with what we know. So be kind, and forgive readily. Harboring grudges or nursing personal wounds will only end up harming you, anyway. See this time as an opportunity to learn more about the Lord. After all, He was treated worse than anyone else on Earth, yet He was always loving. Treat people the way you wish they were treating you. Obviously, I'm still working on this myself, and I will be for the rest of my time here. But I know that if we'll do this, we will live happy lives. I promise (:

3. Your Story Matters:

In Romans, Paul compares the church to the body of Christ. We are baptized into this "body", and it is one body, with many members. Each member is different but needed. In terms of our physical bodies, though the eye has a different appearance and function than the spine, both are important and make up the same organism. They are valuable in their own way, and in fact their differences contribute to their worth. So it is with each member of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are baptized into the body of Christ, and we become His sons and daughters. We're all needed and valuable. No two people are the same, and our differences can make the kingdom of God stronger. God didn't intend for us all to have the same talents, stories, personalities, or even mission experience. In His loving mercy our Heavenly Father has provided us with a Savior, so that Christ is there for all of us, no matter what our condition (including being an ERM), to sustain and heal us.

Elder Christofferson said, "[People] ask themselves, 'Do I fit? Do I belong here, do they really need me?' And, I want to say emphatically YES! ... The diversity we find now in the church ... is not just diversity for diversity's sake, but the fact that people can bring different gifts and perspectives, and the wide range of experience and backgrounds and challenges that people face will show us what really is essential in the gospel of Christ. Much of the rest that has been perhaps acquired over time and is more cultural than doctrinal can slip away, and we can really learn to be disciples."

Okay, time for a little rant: to be completely honest, a large portion of the way members of the church view missions falls into the "cultural" realm. The farewell parties, email lists, balloons in the airport, homecomings, and banners on the garage are not missionary work. They are cultural traditions that are widely accepted, but they're not doctrine. I believe it's misleading in a way, because it doesn't prepare our young people for what it's really like in the mission field. I think I honestly believed my mission would be hard but somehow every day would be this spiritual, life-changing experience, and I would be one of the "perfect" sister missionaries I had always admired. But anyone who serves finds out that missionary work can be difficult and discouraging and definitely not glamorous. Yet we rarely talk about the homesickness or trials or rejection or poor living conditions. Instead, it's become our culture to almost worship missionaries. They are seen as heroes, and somehow the title of "RM" (or lack thereof!) can completely change how people see you. I'm not trying to rail or bash on missionaries; I myself was one and I am an RM in every sense of the word. But I'm trying to uncover the line between gospel truths and member culture. Keep in mind, that it's nothing more than that: culture. Not doctrine. Even the length you serve! Elder Holland points out in another video specifically addressed to ERM's that the set length of 18 months or 2 years is a modern invention used for convenience. When the church was first sending out missionaries, missions could range from just a few months to nearly a decade! It is not gospel doctrine that missionary service must be 18 months or 2 years. None of these things that we get so obsessed with qualify as missionary work. The finding and teaching and testifying and praying and having your heart changed-that's missionary work. And guess what? Anyone can do it. You don't have to be wearing a tag to bear testimony, pray, gather Israel, and have your heart changed by Christ. So stop beating yourself up if your mission didn't look the way you or someone else thinks it should. God knew when you would come home. You didn't surprise Him. Don't hide your individual story. He's proud of your desire to serve, and you should be too. Okay, my rant's over (:

Overall, what I want you to know is that YOUR STORY MATTERS. So raise your hand in church. Talk about your spiritual experiences, whether from your mission or otherwise (which, by the way, you should definitely have spiritual growth that doesn't occur on your mission...but that's a post for another day). Tell people you came home early. If you're not scared to talk about your mission, they'll likely feel more comfortable too. I recently changed my Instagram bio to say that I'm an ERM, because I am, and I don't think it's something to be ashamed about. It's a symbol that I'm not hiding my story anymore and that I'm proud to be a part of some of the best and bravest soldiers there are. Tell people how long you served and tell them the things you loved about being a missionary. Most of all, tell them about your testimony of the Savior, because that doesn't have to change based on how long you stayed out. Your story is beautiful and uniquely yours and it matters. Hearing it could change someone else's life. You never know what good you might do. And you'll never regret being brave.

I want to leave you with my testimony that when we remember these things, you and I don't have to feel alone or out of place anymore. There are people who love you and are doing their best to support you. Most importantly, Jesus Christ loves you and knows perfectly how to help you. You can own your story and bless others with it. Stop waving through a window and start living without that boundary of glass that we too often let Satan put around us. I invite you to pray for strength, get out of your comfort zone, and serve someone else. It will lift your spirits more than you might think. Most of all, keep being brave. If you are reading this and you have left the church, I encourage you to come back. If you are thinking about not being a part of this glorious gospel anymore, please consider all you would be giving up. If you attend church but you also feel how difficult it can sometimes be, I understand, at least to some degree, and I know that Jesus Christ understands. He is proud of you for making every effort to go, regardless of how hard Sundays might be. Keep moving forward and being the brave soldier you truly are. Because Jesus Christ does have hopes for you, and His grace can transform you and make your early return into one of the greatest blessings of your life.