"I am Grateful for a Heavenly Father Who Loved me Enough To Cut me Down"

"Alright so down to the nitty gritty of it all.

It was summer of 2016. I was twenty years old and had just became friends with these two blondes. We became inseparable. All from such different worlds, yet we got along like sisters separated at birth; which included teasing, pranking, crying, laughing, and all the wonderful attributes you could ever want in a human. I still remember one day we were at some fast food place (I want to say Rancheritos) when we were in a booth and started having a deep conversation about the church. We all made a goal to make it to the temple. Not really any time limit or on any particular day but just the fact that we would help each other to stay on the straight and narrow.

That same conversation lead us to what would set my life course to deciding on a mission. We started to have a group text that included us three, along with two or three other girls. Every night we sent a text of the scriptures we read or a conference talk or any good quote we wanted to share. Even if you didn’t have that interesting of a scripture that you read, that is what you would say! “Hey, I read this tonight and honestly I have no idea what is going on. But I did have this cool experience today at work…”. I loved the bluntness that everyone brought and no matter where anyone was with their own testimony there was no denying the spirit. We did this every night that whole summer. It made you look for the good in everyday. Having such positivity enveloping you, it was hard not to see the good or the tender mercies of life that God had put there.

Toward the end of summer my two close friends had to move. It was tragic to lose some of the best girls I had met and become so close to (they truly blessed me more than they will ever know!), but I know it was time for them to move on. Being on such a spiritual high, I wanted to keep that feeling. One thing real quick before I continue is that I never ever ever wanted to go on a mission. I was petrified that my patriarchal blessing would tell me that I would have to serve one….it didn’t thank goodness. Except that whole summer, the thought “Hey, what about a mission?” kept popping in my head. At first, I said “NOPE, gotta find someone else, Heavenly Father!” but after persistence from him I finally started reading my scriptures, temple preparation, and Preach My Gospel every night. I don’t think I have ever been so close to my Father in Heaven. I kept denying a mission until finally one day I couldn’t handle it, and I told my mom “ I am going on a mission.” I’m not sure who was more surprised!

I didn’t want to tell anyone until I got my call, but I am a person that can’t hold my excitement. I told everyone. I was giddy and couldn’t stop smiling!! What the heck? I was soooo against going on a mission, now I could hardly wait to go! I started to fill out my papers. I went home so I could go get my physical and see my dentist.

The night before I went to see our family doctor I was filling out the mental illness form. I knew I had some problems, but didn’t think it should be categorized as anything serious. For some reason I clicked yes for having anxiety, depression, and eating disorder. Not that I wanted to claim that I had any problems, but as I started to go into depth for each section, it asked more specific questions and I was checking yes on every single one. I got so overwhelmed and I am still not sure entirely why, maybe the realization that I truly did have these issues that I couldn’t deny anymore, or the fact that this felt like the end of the road. All I remember was I filled out the depression section and couldn’t take it anymore and ran outside to the porch sobbing. My mom came out and I told her. This was the first time I ever told anyone about my concerns of having these mental illnesses.

We were in the doctor’s office the next day. It was all a blur because after he said "Yes, you do have these", I just went numb. What was wrong with me? What does this mean? Am I really not normal? Is that why I have felt this way? So many questions in my head. I had one that took a while for me to accept the answer. Am I still going on a mission? The answer was no. I prayed so many times for it to be yes. How could His response change so fast? Was I not good enough? Did he realize he made a mistake? Why would he give me this amazing opportunity, knowing that I didn’t want it, but then give me a strong desire to go? I was so confused with Heavenly Father's plan for me. I had many feelings during that time: anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, confusion, self pity, loneliness. I didn’t even get a chance to finish my papers. I lost that spiritual high, because all of a sudden I felt unworthy. Not good enough. I began to question everything. Maybe I didn’t even get the feelings to go and that was just me wanting to go. Every time I heard about a mission in church it became a reminder to me that I didn’t go. One of the hardest parts was because I told so many people, they would ask me “When is your call coming?” or other things about the mission, which I never knew how to answer because I didn’t want to tell anyone why I wasn't going, for many reasons. Some of the reasons were I was scared they would judge me, or worse, not believe me. I didn’t even make it to the MTC. Why was I so sad about not going? Why was it so hard to hear about other people’s missions when all I did was fill out the papers? It became a dark time, even when I would pray and ask why. What was I supposed to learn from this?

I think I am still answering that last question. Many events after finding out about my mental illness were tragic. I truly believe now that I wasn’t supposed to go on a mission, I got what I needed from the desire to go. I was able to obtain a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is so personal and real to me. I don’t think I would have ever faced the realities of having anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder if I didn’t go to the doctor for the mission papers. I have been able to face so many trials and adversities since then that still don’t make sense to me, but I know I was supposed to go through them. I have received help since that time: therapy, being open with others, medication, accepting and being at peace for the events of my life. I have also felt that I have been able to talk to other people who have gone through similar experiences that I have had and maybe I didn’t help them, but they definitely blessed me. I don’t always understand God’s plan for me. I still question many things (though I probably shouldn’t question Him), but I know we go through things for a reason, it's just that some reasons may be revealed faster than others. The only one who knows why is God, and He will never leave us alone no matter what the trial is. I now truly believe He never left my side.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loved me enough to cut me down."

Written by an incredible sister and my dear friend, who is called to serve right where she is.

Her story reminds me of this beautiful video by Elder D. Todd Christofferson. May we all remember that our loving Heavenly Father knows what is best for each of us.